Ashley
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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Ashley" journal:
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10:31 pm
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my colorgenics profile...ironically dead on, I feel
You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.
You are a leader and possibly at this tine in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.
Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.
You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.
You feel that you need to move on. You feel that you are not appreciated or valued for what you are and that the time is 'now'. Failure to do so will not afford you the conditions to prove your worth.
Do yours: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm
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05:51 pm
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Down the drain
My Horoscope: You're willing to move on and eager to make up for lost time, but is the other person in this equation feeling as magnanimous? If not, don't be too quick to pick up their slack. It takes two to tango, you know.
So this is the epitome of the end of Ray and I's relationship (or whatever it was). Apparently, I was eager or just super exticed that things were falling into place for me. I finally found someone that I was clicking with. Someone that, even though certain things about him bugged me, I was more than willing to look past them because that's how much I was beginning to care about him. I guess I was just excited because I found a true sense of happiness and that the fake happiness I portray otherwise. So that "other person" was not feeling the same way. Shitty for me since I'm the one that always gets screwed over. Literally, I must have "I'm a stupid bitch, please toy with my emotions" written across my forehead. I wanted a relationship, I wasn't good enough for him to want a relationship with me, thus we no longer have anything at the moment. It doesn't work if you both don't want the same thing. He thinks I'm such a great friend, I say "fuck that." I'm so tired of being that "great girl" that is an awesome presence in everyone's life, that is a positive influence and is always there in times of need. What the fuck happens when I'm in need of that awesome guy to be there for me, to carry me along in life when I can't cut it on my own? Oh yea, I will never have one of those because I always get involved in one-sided relationships where I give it all and get left with nothing. I say the payoff better be a million times better than what I've experienced thus far in life because I've gotten shit on so far....and I mean this in the most sincere, non-conceited, hopeful way possible.
Current Mood:  depressed
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11:11 am
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Finally DUN - done
So although I probably worked the hardest I've ever worked this entire semester, I'm most likely going to end up with straight Cs, which is thoroughly disappointing. I know that I'm completely overwhelmed with the other things I do (aka cheer, church group, APhi, etc.) but I love all those things and I don't believe in giving up on any of them. I mean, why would I give up the things I totally enjoy doing to be completely miserable with school and not having anything fun to distract me from that courseload? I just don't know what to do though. I cannot keep getting grades like this and doing as poorly as I do. It physcially makes my heart hurt because I put just as much effort as everyone else in this fucking ridiculous major (that I absolutely HATE HATE HATE); I stay up all night, I never sleep, I keep up with everyone else's homework grades, I just fail exams. It hurts because I know I deserve the grades everyone else is getting and I just can't take not being on top. I also hate giving up on things and absolutely refuse to change majors (which is a little too late now anyways), but if I had to do it over again I might have done things differently. All in all, disappointed in myself and my ability to achieve what I use to in high school.
On a lighter note: to all those who might care, I was just elected Vice President Chapter Operations (one of the two big VP positions) for my sorority. So I'm really excited about that, but I really hope I won't disappoint anyone!
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Panic!
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12:14 pm
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Favor
Does anyone have or know of anyone that has the movie Fallen w/ Denzel Washington???? I've been dying to see it for some reason! Much love <3 Ash
Current Mood:  content
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12:42 am
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Stressed
I'm freaking out....I have my first exam tomorrow and I haven't even finished the reading yet!!!! It's 12:45am. This basically means I'm screwed. Then I go all day tomorrow until about 9pm w/ literally a 30 min. break. Then I have to write up a 10 pg lab report that apparently takes like 12 hours to write. So another all-nighter for me. I am becoming an insomiac like last year. I hate engineering; it leaves me no time for sleep. It better fricken pay off in the end!!!!
Current Mood:  stressed
Current Music: Silence
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01:38 am
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my thoughts tonight
Pretty decent weekend. Apparently, I was a wreck last night. Tucker answered the phone when Noah called and said some obscene thing to him. Then Noah called back completely trashed saying he was going to punch Tucker in the head if he ever met him...this is hilarious to me if you know who Noah is compared to Tucker hahaha. He also called me a fucking bitch and told me not to call him again. DRAMA. So I went over to Danny's party and got even more drunk and had a "deep" convo with Danny about how I still reall like Noah and can't seem to get past the whole "we're only best friends" thing. He told me I should just tell Noah how I feel, but I think that's a bad idea cuz it could just majorly fuck everything up and Noah and I could just be really awkward around each other forever on. I'll deal. At least Noah called today to apologize for being a complete dick last night. He'll be back tomorrow. Aside from that, Dennis IMed me yesterday....aka previous love of my life. That makes me happy since we will both be living in the village next year and maybe things could spark up again. Who knows.
The month of August is shaping up pretty nicely for me. I get done with fricken classes the 11th. Then Smippy!!!!! comes the 12th-19th in which there will be massive drinking/partying going on. We'll prob go to NYC for a couple days. Then as soon as she leaves, Danny, Noah and I are going to the Jersey shore for a few days to say bye to Christina, Danny's gf, cuz she's going abroad next semester. Then back up to Boston so that I can leave for Baltimore/Washington DC for a week. Then back here to hang with my mommy and move into the new place. Hopefully all this will somewhat make up for the entire summer that has been crammed with taking classes and no sun.
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: Coheed & Cambria ~ Three Evils
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11:34 pm
[Link] | tagged by musicgirl312
List 5 reasons you are a dork. And make them good reasons. Justify them. Explain them. Be loud and proud of how big a dork you are! Then pick the 5 biggest dorks you know and have them do the meme. (Not in any particular order.)
1. Biomedical Engineering chick, I usually only have like 5 other girls in my classes...I'm cool like that.
2. I love Hayden Christensen and Star Wars. I can quote the orginal 3 movies word for word most likely.
3. I liked the truss project (I even got ridiculously excited when I successfully downloaded Matlab and broke the code on how to install it on my computer). Only if you are an engineer will you understand what the truss project is and why I'm a huge tool for enjoying the months of work that went into building a bridge of straws and cardboard that is happily displayed on Danny's wall.
4. I love Hayden Christensen. I obsess about him and buy stuff just because his picture is on it and I pause movies just to stare at his hottness. (I secretly hate Natalie Portman because she got to make out with this hot hot man...."I truly deeply love you")
5. I currently have a smiley face sun tattoo on my back because I let a boy do the suncreen on my back, during which he proceeded to make a smiley that I did not notice til after I was burned.
P.S. I don't know how to do this whole tag thing...someone help me!!!
Current Mood: stressed
Tags: junegem61, tarty
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01:15 pm
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BeSt SoNg EvEr!?!?!?!
"Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet"
And now I'm in this darkest closet, tryin' to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he's at the closet
Now he's opening the closet
What's going to happen....happen.....happen..."
Basically, the best song EvEr hahahahaha. Can't wait for "Trapped in the Closet: Part 2 of 5"
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